Healing from past trauma can feel like a huge undertaking, like deciding you’re going to build a house with your own hands. Where do I even start? What tools do I need? How long is this going to take? Am I going to burn out before I finish? Will it be worth it? So many questions and worries can pop up. Today we’re going to answer a few common myths about what it means to “heal”.
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I’ll have to forgive someone
Some people believe that the true test of whether you’re “over” something is if you’ve been able to forgive the person who hurt you. And for some people, forgiveness is an important part of their process. For others, ‘healing’ means finally being able to say, “I’m important too, what you did was wrong, and I don’t owe you anything more than I want to give.”
2. I’ll have to cut someone out of my life
One of the biggest reasons that traumatic events are so, well, traumatic, is because we didn’t have control over what was happening at the time. Knowing this, it’s even more important that you feel in control of your choices. For example, someone may be healing from emotional abuse by a parent, but still want to maintain that relationship with them. That’s entirely up to them, and something no one but they can decide.
3. I’ll stop getting support
A barrier that can come up sometimes is the belief that we must act traumatized for people to believe that we were traumatized and support us. This can happen for my clients who grew up in invalidating environments, where they weren’t taken seriously unless they practically shouted and waved their arms around. Finding peace is not the same as never needing support again. We all need and deserve support, both when things feel hard and when things are going pretty okay. One change that can happen is that now you can ask for that support instead of feeling the need to perform for it.
4. I did something bad, so that means I deserve to feel terrible about it forever
Someone once told me that “we can’t EMDR away something we did wrong”. EMDR doesn’t change facts, only beliefs. What finding peace can look like is going from thoughts of “I’m a bad person,” to thoughts of “I’m a reasonably good person who made a mistake.” It doesn’t mean you stop caring about the choice you made, but that choice is no longer the thing that defines you in your mind. It’s actually coming to a more fair and balanced view of yourself, rather than zeroing in on the bad.
5. If I move past it, that would mean it wasn’t a big deal
Sometimes we can get stuck in the belief that we need to “prove” that something was a big deal by never moving forward from it. We imagine someone saying “Well, you’re fine now, right? So it couldn’t have been that bad.” Like if we heal from something we’re saying it wasn’t so terrible. This is absolutely not the case. Healing is a testament to your strength, not an admission that what you experienced was mild.
Other people have had it so much worse than me, so I shouldn’t even make such a big deal out of it
6. Other people have had it so much worse than me, so I shouldn’t even make such a big deal out of it
Healing is not a contest for who has suffered the most. You continue to suffer does not make others who have experienced hard things feel better. Think about it: if your friend told you they were struggling with the same things you’re struggling with, what would you say to them? Would you tell them it’s not a big deal, other people have it way worse? No. You’d probably say something kind. Practice noticing that difference and try speaking to yourself the way you’d speak to a friend.
Find balance, feel at peace. Reach out and connect with an Austin EMDR Therapist today.
