Hi, I’m Stephani, and I’m a recovering perfectionist.
Usually, “perfectionist” is a compliment with a positive connotation: a perfectionist likes to do things well, they make a big effort to ensure that happens, and there’s a point of personal pride with producing something that’s really good. In the mental health world, we also know that perfectionism can come with a hefty price tag at times.
Being a perfectionist comes with anxiety about getting things just right, even things no one else will probably notice. That anxiety can run rampant if left unchecked, and suddenly you realize you’ve spent the last 30 minutes obsessively reading over an email you’re sending to a colleague to see if there’s anything you could say “better”.
Perfectionism can also be paralyzing…I mean, who wants to even get started writing the stupid email if I know I’m going to stress out, spend 30 minutes re-reading it, and feel dissatisfied when I send it anyway? I’ll just put it off until the last possible second, forget all about it until it’s too late, or I’ll tell myself it probably isn’t worth doing anyway.
This classic phrase says it best, I think:
“Perfect is the Enemy of Good.”
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Perfectionism Makes Us Late
I used to be really into doing winged eyeliner. I was not good at it. I made my husband and myself late going to dinner a few times trying to get it just right. Finally one evening, after removing a botched wing with makeup remover and adding another 20 minutes to our time to get out the door, I decided it wasn’t worth my time or my husband getting hungry to do the eyeliner anymore. I haven’t done winged eyeliner since, and now we get to beat the dinner crowd to Texas Roadhouse.
2. Perfectionism Makes Our Other Work Suffer
I remember in 5th grade we had to make a map of Krakatoa for a school project. I spent SO MUCH TIME perfecting the decorative border of the map that I barely had time to actually draw the island the entire project was about. My teacher was not impressed with my border, and I got dinged badly on my island. My border was “perfect” but my grade was not “good”. It’s clearly not still a sore spot for me.
3. Perfectionism Can Annoy Others
When we hold ourselves to really high standards, we may start expecting people around us to also be striving for perfection. We figure, this is important to me, it should be important to them! This can get old for the other person, fast. For example, my husband likes having the laundry put away immediately after it’s dry. I put away laundry in 5-7 business days. I like loading the dishwasher a certain way (the right way). My husband has his own method (pure chaos). We’ve had to learn to give each other grace, because gosh is it irritating to have someone critiquing everything you do. Of course, there are things we ask each other to do, but we have to pick our battles so as not to become a couple that criticizes each other constantly.
4. “Perfect” may not be that noticeably better than “good”
A lot of the time, the difference between turning in something we deem “good enough” and something we’ve stressed ourselves out about for hours perfecting isn’t even that big of a change. When I was in college, I’d spend hours I didn’t have re-reading and editing papers I wrote before turning them in. The changes were probably not huge, and the difference between editing for half an hour and editing for two hours was probably negligible. At some point, we have to stop and say, “It’s good enough”.
80% is Perfect. Done is Perfect.
When I first started this blog, my business coach told me “When you’re done writing your first blog post, just publish it. Don’t even look it over. Just hit ‘publish’. The perfectionist in me was horrified. But it worked! Now I’m on my–what, 10th? blog post and it’s second nature to churn these out. I did totally spell check the first one at least, though.
Instead of perfect, try aiming for and feeling satisfied with 80%. 80% is great. It’s forward movement. ‘Done’ is something to show for your time. By focusing on 80% or ‘done’, you’re already miles ahead of other perfectionists who are struggling with the first hurdle, or who may never get the guts to show up to the race. When you get your 80%, your ‘done’, get feedback, reevaluate, make changes, and keep moving forward and aiming for your next 80%. What were your worst fears of only doing 80%? Did they come true? Probably not.
Give yourself (and others) grace. It’ll take you further than you expect.
Find balance, feel at peace. Reach out and connect with an Austin EMDR Therapist today.
