Spoon Theory is a funny name for a really helpful concept. It was first introduced by Christine Miserandino in her essay, “Spoons”, to explain what it’s like to live with chronic pain and limited energy. It’s also been used as a way for people in general to think about emotional energy.
What is Spoon Theory?
We can think of spoons as units of emotional energy, essentially. Let’s say I have 10 “spoons” of emotional energy in a day, usually. Going to work takes 6 spoons. Making dinner takes 3 spoons. Cleaning the house takes 5 spoons. Feeding my cats takes 1 spoon. Calling a friend takes 2 spoons. Calling my mother takes 3 spoons. Going to the gym takes 4 spoons. Going on a walk takes 2 spoons. And so on.
Sometimes we may have even fewer spoons. If you’re sick, go ahead and remove 6 spoons. If you’re grieving, remove 8 spoons.
Or we may have things that happen to us that unexpectedly take spoons away, like this one day I got stuck in a terrible traffic jam that added an hour onto my commute home. That was, like, all 10 of my spoons, gone.
What if I Spend Too Many Spoons?
I have a limited number of spoons, so I have to be mindful about what I choose to do in a day. If it’s a work day, I don’t have the energy for a ton of stuff in the evening and have to choose what it is that I spend my energy on. If I call my mom and try to make dinner after work, I’m overdrawing on spoons, and likely to feel tired, overwhelmed, and probably a little resentful. If I ask my husband to take care of dinner tonight, or I make a plan to call mom on the weekend when I have more spoons to give, I’m being mindful about how much energy I have and where I want to put it.
What if I Spend Too Many Spoons, Like, All the Time?
This is a fast-track for burnout. We can also get into the habit of ignoring our needs this way. Short term, we all do this. I may have a particularly difficult week at work, so I make plans to be gentle with myself, get takeout instead of cooking, whatever I need to conserve energy until I can get a break on the weekend and rest. Long term, we become strangers to ourselves. And no wonder, when we spend months or years pushing down our feelings and needs, it can feel like we’re meeting ourselves all over again when we finally start to listen to that voice that says, “This is too much! I need a break!”
“That’s nice, but as a parent/professional/grad student I can’t just blow off my responsibilities.”
Luckily, Spoon Theory is about making room for everything that’s important to us. Now that I know that I only have 4 spoons left at the end of a workday, I can be thoughtful about how I choose to use those spoons. I know that when I’m burnt out and exhausted, I’m not my best at work or in my relationships. Making sure that I’m working within my emotional energy limits means that I’m setting myself up to feel my best, which is when I do my best work and practice my best communication with loved ones.
“It feels Like I never have enough spoons, I need like 20 more!”
Man, it would be nice if it worked like that! There are some things that can give a half a spoon or a full spoon back. For me, taking 15 minutes to be totally quiet with no distractions or noise can feel like a mental reset button when I’m overwhelmed. Taking a nap can also have this effect sometimes, but not always.
What you’ll really need is rest. Maybe that’s literally sleeping, maybe it’s just having time alone to relax, and not have anyone need anything from you. If you lean super extroverted, you may really like being with or talking to other people to feel rested and recharged.
What to Do When You’re Out of Spoons
When it feels like you’re at your limit, ask for help. Lean on your support system. Plan to do your laundry in two days instead of today. Ask your partner to clean up after dinner, and be willing to give them a break when they need it, too. Give yourself permission to wear your hair in a braid instead of curling it in the morning. Heat up a frozen pizza or order in instead of cooking (we keep a couple of super easy frozen or canned dinners on hand just in case we need a break). However you can give yourself space, grace, and gentleness. This will help you feel more confident and capable over time, especially because you’ll come to rely on yourself to consistently take care of yourself.
Find balance, feel at peace. Reach out and connect with an Austin EMDR Therapist today.
