Many of us didn’t have healthy relationships modeled for us growing up, or maybe we felt like we didn’t have anyone we could trust to talk to about our relationships and what’s “normal”. Today we’ll talk about a few “green flags”, or things to look for in a partner as well as ways to be a good partner ourselves.
- You respond well when you ask each other to do something
Say you like to hear from someone you’re dating every day, maybe a text or a phone call. Maybe the person you’re with isn’t naturally inclined to communicate daily or they’re trying not to crowd you, so they text less often than you do. A green flag would be if you brought it up to them (directly, respectfully, and gently!) and they did their best to accommodate what you’re asking for. - You take each other seriously when you have a complaint
Being in relationships means that we step on each other’s toes or hurt each other’s feelings at times. It happens. The real clue is how your partner responds when you bring up that you’re unhappy with something they said or did. A good partner will listen and try to understand your point of view. They don’t argue, get immediately defensive, or tell you you’re overreacting. For example, you tell your partner you felt exposed and hurt when they disclosed something really personal about you to friends without okaying it by you first. A green flag in this instance would be your partner calmly and patiently listening to you, validating your experience (saying that it makes sense you’d feel that way), apologizing, and promising to do better in the future.
Hint: Not everyone will intuitively hit all these points. Your partner may need your help. It’s okay to say “Can you please apologize?” or “Can you please tell me you won’t do that again?” - You respect each other’s boundaries
Say you have something you want to address with your partner, and it may be an emotionally involved and lengthy conversation. Let’s also say that you decide to bring this up with your partner at 10pm when they need to get up early the next morning for work. It’s okay for your partner to say “Yes, this is important, I definitely want to talk about it, and I’m glad you brought it up. And, right now I really need to go to bed so I can be functional at work tomorrow. Can we set a time to talk about this tomorrow evening?” This is a reasonable boundary your partner is setting with you, and respecting it is an important part of communication in relationships. If you’re like me and waiting a whole day to talk about something important might make you feel anxious, it’s also okay for you to ask them for some quick reassurance, like “Can you tell me something you like about me?” or “Can you tell me you love me?” This helps calm our anxious brain and is part of the building blocks of healing insecure attachment wounds. - You feel like you can rely on each other
You both strive to follow through on promises you make, even the little ones. If one of you says you’re going to call or text, you do it. If you tell your partner you can’t hang out because you’re working, they don’t hear from you later that you were actually doing something else. If you feel like you’re being pressured into making promises you don’t want to keep and thus you’re not following through with them, it may be time to have a discussion about expectations or see a couples counselor. - You can be yourself with them and let down your guard
You can be silly, playful, and relax when you’re with your partner. You don’t feel like you’re putting on a performance or that you need to present yourself a certain way. - You speak respectfully to each other, even and especially when it’s hard
When we get frustrated with each other, as we’re all bound to do in our relationships, at times it can be tempting to attack the other person’s character rather than focusing on what’s happening in the moment. “You’re such a @#%*& slob and you don’t care about me!” is very different from “I’m feeling really frustrated that your kitchen is still dirty when we talked about how important it was for me for you to clean it last week. It makes me feel so uncomfortable sometimes when I come over and I don’t know what else to do. I’m really feeling at the end of my rope here.” When we’re feeling hurt, not valued, or not listened to, sometimes it can come out as anger. It’s okay to express anger respectfully (and take some time to yourself if you need to calm down in order to do that), but when we start calling each other names or cussing at each other, it erodes the trust, safety, and sanctity of the relationship. When trying to connect with your partner, you’ll be fighting an uphill battle against yourself if you’re not speaking respectfully to them at other times. - You take an interest in (or at least respect) each other’s interests and hobbies
My husband loves ham radio. Before I met him, I knew hardly anything about it. To show him I was making an effort to connect with him, I studied for and obtained my ham radio license (Technician Class, for you hams out there!). To this day my husband still talks about how I’m the only person he’s ever dated who has tried so hard to connect with him on his interests. In return, he’s been remarkably gracious about watching romance shows and movies with me, and has a firm (but wrong) stance in the Team Edward vs Team Jacob debate from the Twilight movies.
Now, I’m not going to be playing with radios with him every weekend, and he draws the line at watching the BBC’s 6-hour Pride and Prejudice mini series. But we’re always happy to hear about what the other has been up to with the stuff they like to do. This goes for interests you may each find “silly” as well, like playing video games, collecting figurines and models, watching Sex and the City, and perfecting your nail polish collection. Ask your partner about something they love and watch them light up while talking about it, even if you don’t understand all the words they’re saying. Even better, ask them what those words mean, and they’ll be delighted to tell you (as long as you remain curious and open to hearing about it). Remember when you were growing up and your parents rolled their eyes at the stuff you liked? No one wants to be dating that.
This isn’t an exhaustive list, but some ideas to get you started thinking in the direction of what it means to be a good partner. The things on this list take effort and energy, and we have to choose to be a good partner each day, each conversation, and each disagreement. None of us are perfect, so if you find yourself slipping, own it, apologize, and be more mindful moving forward.
The most important part of being a good partner is not in never making mistakes but in how we choose to respond to mistakes and move forward.
Find balance, feel at peace. Reach out and connect with an Austin EMDR Therapist today.
