“Dating is my favorite thing, it’s so easy!”…said no one, ever.
Dating is hard, y’all. “How long after a first date should I text? When should I check in if they haven’t responded to a text yet? How often should I expect the other person to text? How do I manage the anxiety of waiting for a response to a text I sent?”
Oof, exhausting.
Do You Want the Same Thing?
One of the biggest questions that comes up is “When is it okay to talk about whether they’re looking for something serious or casual?” A friend of mine once called these “State of the Union” conversations. They can feel equally important, tense, and world-changing. Instead of answering this question outright, I’m first going to ask you a question in return:
“How much time and energy are you willing to spend with this person, not knowing if there’s a potential deal-breaker?”
What if you tell this person you are looking for a committed, long-term, monogamous relationship, and they say ‘no’? How much time are you willing to have spent with them before finding out about a potential deal-breaker? This doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re going to become “Facebook official” on the spot, but at least you know if you’re looking for the same thing and moving in the same direction.
This Goes for Other Big, Important Life Stuff, Too
This doesn’t just go for conversations about monogamy. It applies whether you want to get married or have kids, as well. How much time and energy would you be willing to put into this relationship before finding out about a potential deal-breaker? Maybe your answer is 4 months. Maybe you want to find out as soon as possible.
I can tell you what my mother would say. She would regale you with the famous family story of how my dad was dead-set against having kids, until he had one of his own. Then apparently he started loving kids and loves being a dad. I mean, it worked out for my mom, but if this was true for everyone, we wouldn’t have the age-old joke about a dad going out for cigarettes and never coming home.
If you have a partner who does not want the same things as you, they are as likely to change their mind about their values as you are to change yours. Possible, sure, but not likely. It’s true that as people get older their values do sometimes change, like my dad. But it’s a gamble, and you’re risking actual months or years of your life if you wait for your partner to change.
The Austin Dating Scene
Austin has been accused of having ‘Peter Pan Syndrome’. It’s a city full of young people, many of whom are attracted to the live-music scene and outdoorsy vibe. There are endless opportunities in Austin, and that mindset can bleed into how people think about dating: endless opportunities and endless FOMO (Fear Of Missing Out). I believe it’s partly for this reason that Austin has ranked very high in country-wide competitions for “worst cities for dating” in terms of ghosting, breadcrumbing, zombie-ing, and other crappy dating behavior in recent years. It makes sense that finding a serious partner would feel hard here.
At the same time, something I hear not infrequently from my clients is that they just want to find a partner who also wants something serious. This is true across the board, regardless of gender or sexual orientation. The commitment-minded are out there! But if you’re spending time and energy on someone who wants something casual, you won’t have time to find them.
How do I Talk About Commitment Without it Being Awkward?
Honestly, it may be awkward. It may end up with the other person getting weirded out and exiting the relationship. Would you rather that happen now or 6 months from now? It’ll be the same either way.
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Put it in Your Profile
Add a line about what you’re looking for in a relationship to your dating profile. The people who actually read profiles will see that and either be excited to message you or do you the favor of moving along.
2. Go Where the Person You Want to Meet is
All dating apps have a range of what people are looking for in relationships, but some lean more casually or more seriously. For example, you may have a harder time finding someone to spend the rest of your life with on Grindr. Meeting someone downtown at a bar is likewise not how most long-term couples have started their lifelong relationships. Try an app that has less of a reputation for being a hookup app, or going to events that take place in the daytime or that have less drinking involved.
3. Own It
There are many, many people who also want a long-term relationship. Don’t feel embarrassed to let the other person know what you want and ask them what they want. It can be as simple as “By the way, I’m looking for a long-term relationship. What are you looking for?” I used this line with my husband when we were dating, and, well, now we’re married.
4. Shit, or Get off the Pot
We all spend time at the beginning of dating feeling the other person out before we decide they’re someone we want to commit to. If you decide you want to commit, but the other person isn’t quite sure yet, that can be an anxiety-inducing situation. Give them some time, but at some point you may have to call it with them: are we doing this or aren’t we?
5. Be Kind to Yourself
Just because dating someone doesn’t work out, doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you. You rolled the dice, and you didn’t get a Yahtzee. What’s the percentage of relationships that don’t end in marriage? Like 99%? That’s probably my statistic, anyway. It’s worth it when you finally do find that 1% person. You got this!
Dating is a hard world to navigate, and communicating our feelings and needs isn’t easy, especially if we’re not used to doing that. Therapy can help you figure out what you want and give you the tools to communicate that with others. Reach out and connect with an Austin EMDR Therapist today.
